Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.
This year has seen the coldest winter since records began for countries in the northern hemisphere. It’s been so cold that numerous politicians have actually been seen with their hands in their own pockets.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want children. If anybody does please send me your email address and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore. So I said "Come on, get in the car, we’re going to the petrol station."
The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day in December...
Wife: "Windows frozen."
Husband: "Pour some warm water over them."
Wife: "Computer completely screwed up now."
Have you seen the movie constipated? Yeah, it never came out.
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
One friend: Hey dude, what the heck is Bing?
Other: Wait, let me Google it.
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A: A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this!"
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?"
A man visits his granny in the nursing home. When he arrives, she is asleep, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, watches television and eats some peanuts from a bowl on the table. Eventually, the granny wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished all the peanuts bowl. "I'm so sorry, granny, I've eaten all of your peanuts!" "That's okay, dear," granny replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't like them anyway."
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped in a speed trap. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep." the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's ***" answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ***, would you?" the trooper angrily asked. "Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."
The Pope had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror. He pulled over and a trooper came to his window.When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in."
The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief.
He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do." The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."
It isn't the Governor, Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief.
"No, even more important," replied the trooper.
"It isn't the President, George Bush, is it?"
"No, replied the trooper, "even more important.
"Well, WHO The HECK is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded : "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is the Pope!"
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Some advice: Never take a blind date to a silent film.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''
Slept like a log last night.....Woke up in the fireplace.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
Did you hear the joke about the ceiling? Never mind, it's way over your head.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and says "Does this...taste funny to you?".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO.
Jewish boy: "Dad can I have 50p please?"
Dad: "40p?", "what do you want 30p for?"
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
